Sunday, April 4, 2010

What do you do with a suicidal bipolar on Easter Sunday?

Here is what I think I NEED TO SURVIVE, I call it my happy pack

The recipe is very close to

Oxycodone 20 mg (That alone in fact might do it)

Add a bit of codeine 40-80 mg

And some valium for a different kick 5-10 mg.

And I am not imagining this and I am not even sure I am addicted to Oxycodone even though I was given up to 100 mg a day at the hospital for nine days and prescribed more at my discharge.

I just discovered months ago in March 2009 even before any usage that oxycodone did to my head what tons of Prozac and Edronax and everything else they tried could not do for years.

But here we have rules now, big rules, and big books on, not how to treat a patient and relieve his unbearable pain, but on how to cover your own ass and protect yourself first. We are very far from the days of Hippocrates we have moved on to the days of Hypocrites.

I need this to survive please help me doctor it’s a matter of life or death I swear to you and suddenly the doctor turns into a scared shitless Pontius Pilates afraid of the political repercussions and washes his hand and say I am innocent of this man’s blood. In other words:

Crucify the MotherFucker! What do I care?

It has been done in the states with success but every country has its own rules and some are more cowards than others The first thing you hear and see is fear in their eyes and an absolute freak out about their own situation, no care whatsoever for yours. If I was do so something stupid and hold a gun to my head in the doctor’s office and tell him it’s oxycodone or death don’t you understand they would say go ahead pull the trigger. Headspace is a very abstract and ethereal thing but nobody really scares all I know is I am in hell and I can’t help it and it is going to last what will seem like an eternity but does anyone care? Nope!

Unfortunately because of my major disability and I tell you it IS a major disability if you study it for a few minutes, Jack Kerouac, Andre “Dede” Fortin and hundreds or thousands more I cannot afford to go on the black market to get what I definitely NEED to survive this strange unexplainable bipolar wave, I just find myself sick of life with no will to live, afraid to die and hurt the one I LOVE even if I am unbearable these days so there is no actual light at the end of my tunnel. Maybe starting to drink earlier in a strange and paradoxical way will save my life. Chablis might be my temporary saviour since I lost sight of Jesus quite a few years ago.

I have this theory that us mutants/bipolars often lean on drugs or alcohol because the manic moments have given us too much light and information on the real horrors of this world all the blood and the lies and the bullshit and so much more that we can’t bear the sight of it a bit like God said to Moses no one can see my face and live so we have flown too high like Icarus and our wings are burning and we are crashing in the Aegean Sea.

So even though we live alone and die alone yes this is a cry for help but no supposed to be decent citizen will touch me with a ten foot pole.

Madness has its good moments but to translate the words of another bipolar who once met a wise homeless Life is short but once in a while it has long moments, very long. Joy goes fast and pain last forever and mental anguish is hell on earth.


  1. Hey Joe. I can relate to the question in your title far more than I'd really like to admit. I only connect with snippets of what follows, but thought it best not to stand still and silent before the deaf man screaming.
    I know it's a tough place. Tough, too, for those around you who want to help. Near impossible to really 'get it' if you haven't been there, and if you have, it's still not always easy to see a way out or how to safely help.
    Bear with them, and let 'em in.

  2. well thank you very much some times i feel like John the Baptist screaming my head of in the wilderness